Yikes, me turning 50 years old, is this right?

Last week was an extremely challenging one for my husband and I. Loss is always heartbreaking, a little disorienting and quite uncomfortable. After spending most of my actual birthday day in shock and crying, I’m so very grateful for the b-day luncheon that John and my wonderful friends had to help me celebrate my 50th solar return. April 28th, 1961 @ 4:01 pm, Kirkland Lake, Ontario

For all you astrologers out there, my birthchart

Nothing can express the joy that sang in my heart from being with friends I haven’t seen for years and sharing time with new friends I have come to treasure. The luncheon was so fabulous and continued into the evening.

Friendships bring elements of stability, intimacy, emotional security, positive feelings and self-validation to our lives. Over the years I’ve realized that not all friends serve the same purpose in our life.  One friend might challenge us intellectually, while another provides emotional solace when things get tough. When I looked at the beautiful faces around the table I was deeply touched and appreciative of the many levels and quality of friendship that this precious group held.

Jackie a best friend from the past,  so much so that at times we had been inseparable; gosh, we’ve known each other 30 years! As it often does, life got in the way and it was 8 plus years since we’ve seen one another; within a few moments it was like we never missed a step.

She blessed us with a surprise new man,  Lou great guy, I’m looking forward to getting to know him better.

Carol, wow 27 years we’ve been friends; she has always been a constant in my life, through tears, celebrations and everyday stuff, her husband Michael is a rock and a softy whom I also love.

Beach friends, Shelley and Todd; what happens on the beach, stays on the beach! Except these lovely souls made it off the beach and into our hearts, we always have a pleasant time when we see them.

Nancy, dear Nancy. A powerful Goddess and fantastic friend for 12 years or so now; this one knows how to tell a GREAT true story, love ya.

Christine, my sweet new friend who is so kind and loving, always willing to give encouragement and listen; she is my get out of town Goddess friend for those days we can’t take one more moment of life and shoot off somewhere to escape.

Christine (left) Ann (right)

Ann, also a new friend she always needs to know, this keeps her searching and getting solutions, one day she’ll tell us all the answers; Ann makes herself available for others in so many ways, she is extraordinary.

Shelley,  a beautiful blossoming spirit, I love watching her shift and change, she has grace and the courage of a warrior.

Michel is my workout friend, we committed to several months to training last year so I saw him almost daily for 4  1/2 months.

His wife Serita is a patient and loving women who works way to hard! Thanks for all those entertaining mornings of conversation while doing cardio and solving the problems of the world.

And last but not least my best friend, John. This man is simply amazing, a real saint, after all, look what he has to live with; he is the yang in my yin, John adds so many precious elements to my life that I’m in tears writing about it. Balance, stability and so very much love; I give gratitude daily for our companionship.

After having a fun evening with friends, laughing those hardy belly laughs, feeling all social, happy and carefree for the first time in a while I got up feeling a little, hmmm, let’s say, ” harsh ” I just can’t drink as much alcohol these days!

Jackie, Me, Nancy and Carol on top of us

As I looked in the mirror the next morning, I mean REALLY looked in the mirror, I was a little shocked! I admit; I still seem to have a vision of the fresh-faced 30-year old version of myself dancing around in my head and I continue to reinforce this image with my old photo albums. I looked again; ” Yep, it’s the real me, hung over but me, complete with crows feet, frown lines, newly sprouting…  ug, jowls, and those oh-so-special baby “marionette” lines.” Sigh!

I still have this glorious perception that a woman can be valued for her brains and not just for her face – this makes it possible for us Goddesses to become 50 and not grieve.  It enables us to choose and do meaningful work. So what the hell, “forget about what you’re seeing, it’s an illusion anyhow”, I tell myself. Surely there must be some practical application for those string theories, quantum physics,  black holes and future timelines.  “God I must be part way there by now” I tell myself, after all I have been heavily invested in the law of attraction, positively affirming my life, a somewhat healthy lifestyle and all those so called quirky metaphysical whatnots for years.

I have even managed to change some basic and proverbial paradigms.  For instance my paradigms related to everyday experiences like having dirty dishes in the sink. Now having dirty dishes in the sink isn’t the end of the world, I’ve moved to a new paradigm in which it simply means we’ve had another fine meal and are practicing the art of relaxation. Brilliant!

With that awareness, I take a step back, close my eyes and realize some truths, at least they are truths today:

• At 50, I now understand what was vague to me at 30
• I realize that I won’t have time to do everything, so what I choose to do I consider to be important
• I seem to find profound spiritual meaning in the simplest everyday experiences.
• I need reading glasses to increase the size of the ridiculously small font on today’s supplement containers. In fact I see the number of people needing to use them for this reason has increased exponentially (it is smaller font, right?
• “Fifty is the new forty” or as my friend Jackie says, “Fifty is the new twenty five” this phrase reflects a renewed energy; everyone is saying it, so it must be true. It’s likely the result of improvements to our diets, spiritual connections, embracing healthier lifestyles and integrating the previous 40 years of our lives on many levels.
• Turning 50 comes with a huge respect more than ever before of diversity, unity and co-creation.
• I now have a greater appreciation for time over money; time is one of my most valuable commodities at this point in life. I’d rather work smarter than harder and create more time to just be, with myself, family or God.
• Living in the present is so much easier now, not being able to remember everything has certainly helped! It’s all about trust and knowing and trust and being and trust and, did I mention TRUST?
• It’s a time when it’s easier to separate myself from what other people expect of me, and do what I love without guilt or regret or being worried about what anyone thinks.
• I appreciate that I’m not really working for myself, I’m employed by God, doing service for humanity and that together we really are making positive differences.
• I have more energy, less anxiety, a stronger immune system, and an unbelievable  overall great attitude, in my youth, it never would have occurred to me that being 50 could feel this good.

The only major drawback to entering my fifties seems to be the assumption that life will soon begin to accelerate in a downhill motion. It appears the only thing left to do is change that paradigm, after all, I hang out with folks in their 60′s, 70′s and 80′s who are still kicking butt and having a blast doing it. There is little else to say other than, at age 50 I am for the most part happy and grateful to be an empowered woman!

The Empowered Woman

The Empowered Woman, she moves through the world
with a sense of confidence and grace.
Her once reckless spirit now tempered by wisdom.
Quietly, yet firmly, she speaks her truth without doubt or  hesitation
and the life she leads is of her own creation.

She now understands what it means to live and let live.
How much to ask for herself and how much to give.
She has a strong, yet generous heart
and the inner beauty she emanates truly sets her apart.
Like the mythical Phoenix,
she has risen from the ashes and soared to a new plane of existence,
unfettered by the things that once that posed such resistance. Her senses now heightened, she sees everything so clearly.
She hears the wind rustling through the trees;
beckoning her to live the dreams she holds so dearly.
She feels the softness of her hands
and muses at the strength that they possess.
Her needs and desires she has learned to express.
She has tasted the bitter and savored the sweet fruits of life,
overcome adversity and pushed past heartache and strife.

And the one thing she never understood,
she now knows to be true,
it all begins and ends with you.

by Sonny Carroll

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